Aftermath and Early Mornings
by thebodyfarm
Summary: Not oneshot anymore... Hatred, Lust or Love... you decide... Stories from both sides of the bed.
1. Rei

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything… **

**Warning: This is nothing like my other fics… darker and quite 'angsty'… that's not even a word… but hey! **

**(o)Still fine-tuning the next chap of 'Retribution' and 'Caught in the Middle'… but like I said, this is nothing like those two… I gave tweaking a rest… wanted to go to yoga, but couldn't so this came about… **

**(o) You have been warned…**

**Aftermath and Early Mornings…**

I wake up feeling sated… sated and sore. God, I was sore! But that was expected. Rough night… hmmm… wonderfully rough night… I shift over to the other side, hoping to find him. He wasn't there… he didn't stay… he never did. I sighed to myself and look up at my chipped ceiling, one of these days I'm going to get that fixed. Come to think of it, I need my whole apartment fixed…

There's just something about early mornings that make me itch for a stick… not that kind… I had my fill of that last night… Cigarettes. They were on my nightstand, among other things. I took one and lit it. They were my friends… crazy, I know. He never liked me smoking… kept telling me to stop. No, don't be mistaken that he cares about my health because he doesn't. He just didn't like the smell is all… egocentric bastard. Always about him… What he wanted…never about me… never…

I suck in a lungful of smoke… the nicotine entered my system. My lungs must be dying… much like me… all because of him.

Yes, I hate him… I hate all men… But whenever he comes, all my hate fades into oblivion. Don't try to make me explain. I never did understand it myself. All I know is that he satisfies me and apparently, I satisfy him. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am…

I should feel mortified, but I don't… must be losing all my dignity. All because of him… Damn him! Damn everything!

There was an imprint of his head on my satin-covered pillow. His scent was strong… intoxicating… invigorating… Damn him again! I could still feel his callused hands on my body, his warm flesh against my own… Damn him to hell!

I try… I really do, but when I refuse him, even I don't believe my words… one night, I tried again. He was upset, I was unnerved… his eyes grew fierce. He wanted me… I wanted him… But I strived to save myself some dignity… No chance. My constant inner struggle with dignity and lust ended that night… The victor was obvious… My lust got the better of me. Or I might just call it love… Love? Yeah, right!

I sucked a lungful again… nicotine and tar, so good yet so bad… exactly like him and like chocolates… a guilty pleasure.

I contemplate on the word… Love… an emotion vaguely familiar to me. Then again, I found many things vaguely familiar… But that word, emotion, whatever… I don't understand it. I understand hatred so much more. I understood hatred more than anything else… next came pleasure. Hatred and pleasure along with cigarettes… my only friends…and maybe chocolate...

No, I don't love him… I loved his body and the pleasures his body brings me, but I could never love the man. Just like he could never love me… it was only lust. Only lust… My hunger for his body and his hunger for my own… Only a physical fulfillment… Lust…

Another lungful… I'm sorry dear vital organs, but I just can't resist.

Lust and love are two different things… at least I think so… but I don't love him… I think I don't. Scratch that. I know I don't… and I know he doesn't… I don't love him, but why does it hurt to know he doesn't? Hurt… I know that feeling, too… I might just add it to my short list of 'friends'… I've been feeling it lately. Screw him! Oh, yeah… I already did… I hate being hurt, who doesn't? I hate him for hurting me… I hate him for doing this to me… him… stupid… so stupid… hate him so much…

I crushed what's left of my cigarette… such beautiful embers in my ashtray… Cigarettes, like humans… we end up ashes… Sad. Yet another 'friend' I should add… Sadness and bitterness… they go well together. Bitter… Yes, I am bitter and I have very right to be. I hold up an imaginary goblet of champagne high in the air. A toast to new friends. Two new 'friends' in one day…

He had friends… quite a few actually. I don't know how he managed to snag friends, knowing he isn't really a sociable person… in fact, he was rather stoic, unfeeling, uncaring… But he had friends nonetheless… Who would have thought the bastard had friends? Not me that's for sure… Jealous? No… why should I be? I don't need friends… just acquaintances I can control and I have an ample amount of that. 'Friends'. The only friends I know are the inanimate… it's better that way.

I sat up, I can't quite walk yet; my legs still feel sore… I sighed again and closed my eyes… I hate early mornings just as much as I hate him… fuck him… fuck everything…

I hate those captivating Prussian orbs just one look in those depths and I'm lost… truly, helplessly lost… I hate him. I hate myself… Stupid Heero… stupid me… stupid, stupid me…

**AN**

**Well… please review… kinda weird, isn't it? I told you so… **

**But please review it anyway… **

**Who's the girl? Think about it… lol…**

**Anyway… gotta get back to writing the next chaps while there aren't any games… **

**I wont be able to write if _my _SPURS loose… my poor, young heart wont be able to take it… I just can't… but they will win! I know they will! To the FINALS! CHAMPIONSHIPS, Yey!**

**And if you're wondering… The Body Farm is Patricia Cornwell book… really nice… Mystery/Suspense…**


	2. Heero

**Disclaimer: Same ones apply…**

**(o) Yes… it was supposed to be a one-shot… but I was in the mood… **

**(o) I'd like to thank the reviewers… well, yet another one… **

**Aftermath and Early Mornings II**

I always wake up early… Whether I'm in my own bed or not. I look at the clock on her cracked wall, it read 6:15. What did I tell you? I keep my gaze on the crack in her wall, then I look up to her ceiling… Damn thing looked like it was about to fall. She never gets it fixed… All she does is say she will… But she never does… Always says 'later'… Procrastinator.

A few more minutes and I'll get up. For now, I need to rest my legs… My thighs hurt like shit but another part of me felt like heaven. Thanks to her… I could never look at her… Especially after I wake up… She looks enticing… tempting… Makes we want to do it all over again… and again… and again… Damn woman…

Shit, I looked! Good thing she sleeps on her side… All I got to see was her incredibly sexy backside… See? I even find her back sexy… That's sick… that's wrong… But I can't help it… I'm a man… a man with an overactive libido… All because of her…

I don't stay… I never do… If I stay, I'm gonna stay all day… What will be left of me when we're finally done? I'll be crippled… Damn woman… damn her hot body… damn her…

I don't know what's gotten over me… I never bothered with women… They only prove to be distractions. I look at the beautiful sleeping form by my side and sigh… She's a prime example… She's a distraction… the epitome of distraction… A gorgeous distraction but a distraction, nonetheless…

Defiant, too… I heard her say an incoherent 'no' one night… I couldn't believe my ears… But I looked at her flushed face and instantly knew she was lying… Lying and scared… I must've looked ferocious… I felt sorry for her… but it's her fault… It's all her fault… Everything's her fault… I hate her…

She made me feel things I never want to feel… Rejection… I don't like that… nobody does… 'No'. I hate that word… More so when it came from her luscious strawberry-colored lips… Crazy bitch…

I've rested enough, so I got up and put my clothes back on… they were in disarray on the floor… together with her clothes… I snicker to myself… I remembered how our clothes flew last night… We were frantic… At least I was… New mission… we'll be out for five months… Five long months… without her…

Fuck that crazy blonde… always getting us into trouble… Queen? More like royal pain in the ass if you ask me… Fuck her… Yeah, well… did that already… Once. Twice. Fine… Three times… but she's trivial, everyone's trivial… Yes, that demented blonde was good… many were… But good just isn't enough anymore… Ever since she came along… Damn her… I hate her… freckin' bitch…

Why her? I wish I knew… I tried to satisfy myself with a body that wasn't hers… But instant gratification simply wasn't gratifying anymore… It had to be her… Only her… Crazy, sexy bitch…

Dare I say I love her? I don't know… I don't think I've ever been loved… so how am I supposed to know what it feels? I'm confused and I hate it… I hate her for it… Love… A simple four-letter word… simple yet complicated… Oxymoron… Love…

The last button was in place. I walk to her side with closed eyes… So childish of me… I don't care… Not anymore… I only care about her… Her… Care? I never thought I'd grow to be compassionate… I disgust myself… I feel like throwing up… I finally open my eyes, cautiously… as if the sight of her would kill me… It could, actually… My breath caught in my throat… She looked amazing, beautiful, breathtaking… I ran out of words… Damn libido for acting up again… I felt like it's completely taken over my brain… I'm such a fool… And it's all because of her… hate her…

I'm seriously loosing grip… Perfect soldier? Ha! He died a long time ago… She killed the 'Perfect soldier' in me… this is what I'm reduced to now… because of her… She broke through all my barriers… It's her fault… No, it's not... But she makes a very good scapegoat… Damn her…

God, she looked so… delicious… The red satin sheets barely covered her body, but it was enough to obscure her body from my view… I wanted to rip the sheets to shreds… So we could do it again… again and again… I sound like a perv… I'm sick, I know… I can't help it… because of her… damn her…

I clench my fist tightly when I saw what was on her nightstand… Cigarettes… stupid carcinogenic sticks… She never tires of them… They're her friends, whatever the hell that means… I find the smell intolerable, but that's not all… I do care, but I don't show it… I never show it. Those 'cancer on a stick' could kill her… I don't want that to happen… If there's going to be killing involved… it should be me doing it…

Me… I'll kill her for doing this to me…

I tore my gaze from her exquisite, sleeping form and head for the door… But before I turn the cold knob, I look, one last time… Because I wont be seeing her for the next five months… one last look… Simply beautiful… too beautiful to be real… damn her for doing this to me… I'll kill her… Yeah, like I can really do that..

I hate her… No, I don't… but I don't love her either… at least I think so… But I love her body… That I know… I love her perfect body… She must think I'm a bastard… I don't blame her… No, wait, I do… But I am a bastard… I know that myself… Damn it! Everything was fine… until she came along… Damn her… Damn everything… I hate her power over me… I hate her… stupid bitch… stupid, sexy bitch… Damn you, Rei… Damn you to hell…

**AN**

**Yes… I wrote another one... **

**So how was it?**

**Princess Ren & thescientist… there… not a one-shot anymore… **

**Please review… **


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